Said my two year old, looking me seriously in the eyes..
and this made me so happy. Why? Seriously, tears sprang to my eyes and and I felt all warm inside and hugged little bug super close.
Why?
Because my little baby is growing up and all the traits she has now, social, mimicking, fierce, strong, easily frustrated and easily consoled will all come with her and mellow and grow, sharpen and bend to make a grown up woman. That is so cool.
Maybe too because she will be a woman in the female sense, part of my tribe, changeable depending on the time of the month, with bubbas and other curves.
Maybe because the contrast of the word woman coming out of little mouth in that tiny sweet toddler voice is just touching.
It is a moment in time that I would like to remember. So here it is, recorded for posterity. I love you so much my little woman and I always, always, always will.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
One month
But dad - I still miss you. And it's funny because we didn't see eachother that much. Three times a year when you'd roll into town for a business trip. We didn't really talk on the phone.
Did you know that this year I resolved to call you once a month? I wanted to show you that I loved you so much, I thought it was important for Willow that we talk more regularly. I called in december. You were sick then but you didn't tell me. You asked me to pick a flat screen TV. A Christmas gift.
I couldn't. Because I didn't want you to think that I only wanted a TV from you. I wanted you to know that I loved you even if you showed up empty handed.
You never showed up empty handed. Two years ago, you brought us Christmas dinner with all the fixings. Thank you. Lush stuff, ipods, the computer I am typing on. I just want you to know that I loved you without the stuff. I loved the way you talked to T about airplanes and uh.. science, bringing him out of his shell when he came to dinner with a book. The way you made my family and I feel special and could talk about anything. Steph said it best - you made people feel smart and special and so alive. You had such good taste and lust for life.
You asked about the TV again when you went into the hospital the first time. I told you we would give it some thought. You wanted to get something for our new house. I told you we were looking but really, I was looking for ways to get down there to see you.
The old TV is quitting now - the one you got me for my first apartment.
The screen is getting darker and darker. Fitting really, it started to quit this winter. When it goes, I might get a projector. I just can'tget a new TV.
This is not a beautiful letter Dad. But I want to talk to you. And from time to time I will, even though I don't think you can hear me. I miss you. I feel a void where you used to be, even when you weren't there. It hurts, But I am okay.
All my love xoox
Kitten
Did you know that this year I resolved to call you once a month? I wanted to show you that I loved you so much, I thought it was important for Willow that we talk more regularly. I called in december. You were sick then but you didn't tell me. You asked me to pick a flat screen TV. A Christmas gift.
I couldn't. Because I didn't want you to think that I only wanted a TV from you. I wanted you to know that I loved you even if you showed up empty handed.
You never showed up empty handed. Two years ago, you brought us Christmas dinner with all the fixings. Thank you. Lush stuff, ipods, the computer I am typing on. I just want you to know that I loved you without the stuff. I loved the way you talked to T about airplanes and uh.. science, bringing him out of his shell when he came to dinner with a book. The way you made my family and I feel special and could talk about anything. Steph said it best - you made people feel smart and special and so alive. You had such good taste and lust for life.
You asked about the TV again when you went into the hospital the first time. I told you we would give it some thought. You wanted to get something for our new house. I told you we were looking but really, I was looking for ways to get down there to see you.
The old TV is quitting now - the one you got me for my first apartment.
The screen is getting darker and darker. Fitting really, it started to quit this winter. When it goes, I might get a projector. I just can'tget a new TV.
This is not a beautiful letter Dad. But I want to talk to you. And from time to time I will, even though I don't think you can hear me. I miss you. I feel a void where you used to be, even when you weren't there. It hurts, But I am okay.
All my love xoox
Kitten
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Family BBQ
Today was a beautiful day - we hung out as a family all day long. Usually on weekends I'm an impatient morning person, up and out with Willow before Wes' feet have hit the floor but this morning I decided against all reason to head to the museum of Nature because Willow had asked for the Dinosaur museum so many times and this weekend is the grand re- opening. So at 10:10, I ran upstairs to tell Wes were leaving in ten minutes - and he stumbled out of bed ready to go - on the condition that coffee be provided. Awesome.
So we get there, and there is a lineup. No, a LINEUP, around the block, barricades and all. The deal was that Willow would see dinos but I DON'T do lineups. A promise is a promise though, so we took her to see the dino statues outside. She climbed them and ran around and then with the promise of a Popsicle we headed to our old favorite park. I love two - no need to mend a broken heart, I got off on a technicality and a frozen treat.
The park was awesomely full of kids and she played and climbed and Wes and I chatted under a tree, drinking coffee. I wouldn't have planned to go all the way downtown to a park - but it was wonderful. Comforting to be back in old stomping grounds, doing something free and relaxing.
I love the new hood - but you can't beat the energy and diversity of a good old downtown park. Basketball game playing, full of kids, music ...
When we got home after a quick stop at Perfect books, where Willow and I had our own little story time and she got to pick a book - the fabulously simple but perfect two year book " Me hungry" , we spent the evening BBQing with Mike , Jehn and Dudley.
See below for hilarity, staring the wagon, the dog, and the ever high energy Jehn.
A dog and his bone. and ball. Wet ball. He kept dropping it in his water bowl and then wondered why we didnt want to throw it...
Uncle Mike in a wagon with Willow. Comfy but according to the crowd not a real radio flier as you can't steer it careening down a hill.
Party time!
"Look, a monster!" This is a good thing around here...
Super toddler tries to move a mountain -- well a Mike.
Ice cream!
Hiding from the monster...
So we get there, and there is a lineup. No, a LINEUP, around the block, barricades and all. The deal was that Willow would see dinos but I DON'T do lineups. A promise is a promise though, so we took her to see the dino statues outside. She climbed them and ran around and then with the promise of a Popsicle we headed to our old favorite park. I love two - no need to mend a broken heart, I got off on a technicality and a frozen treat.
The park was awesomely full of kids and she played and climbed and Wes and I chatted under a tree, drinking coffee. I wouldn't have planned to go all the way downtown to a park - but it was wonderful. Comforting to be back in old stomping grounds, doing something free and relaxing.
I love the new hood - but you can't beat the energy and diversity of a good old downtown park. Basketball game playing, full of kids, music ...
When we got home after a quick stop at Perfect books, where Willow and I had our own little story time and she got to pick a book - the fabulously simple but perfect two year book " Me hungry" , we spent the evening BBQing with Mike , Jehn and Dudley.
See below for hilarity, staring the wagon, the dog, and the ever high energy Jehn.
A dog and his bone. and ball. Wet ball. He kept dropping it in his water bowl and then wondered why we didnt want to throw it...
Uncle Mike in a wagon with Willow. Comfy but according to the crowd not a real radio flier as you can't steer it careening down a hill.
Party time!
"Look, a monster!" This is a good thing around here...
Super toddler tries to move a mountain -- well a Mike.
Ice cream!
Hiding from the monster...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
backyard swing
We have a back yard swing! In preparation for the good times of summer, we picked up this snazzy wooden prate swing - it will be set higher when the big kids get here and probably move to the front yard for higher swingage - but for now Willlow loves her hidden treasure.
things that make me happy
Lately life is a bit scary. Mostly when I stop doing. When I am busy at work or playing with Willow, pr cleaning or reading or making food I'm okay. Better than okay actually, very grateful to be alive and experiencing all of these things that make up life.
In the spaces in bween, when things slow down I am sometimes sad. Sometimes painfully sad and sometimes scared. Sad because I miss my dad and I know that I I will never hold his hand again and that this year, he won't show up with a Christmas tree and Lush soap, to sharea glass of wine and tell us stories about air traffic near disasters, his travels or the latest family gossip.
Sometimes in those spaces I get scared because I know that I am mortal now and death is not fair or patient or predictable.
When I'm scared and sad, momments like these carry me through.
In the spaces in bween, when things slow down I am sometimes sad. Sometimes painfully sad and sometimes scared. Sad because I miss my dad and I know that I I will never hold his hand again and that this year, he won't show up with a Christmas tree and Lush soap, to sharea glass of wine and tell us stories about air traffic near disasters, his travels or the latest family gossip.
Sometimes in those spaces I get scared because I know that I am mortal now and death is not fair or patient or predictable.
When I'm scared and sad, momments like these carry me through.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Gardening
One of the best parts of the new house is the backyard. The other night Auntie Emily came over and we moved the raspberry bushes and planted some lettuce. So far we've done a good job watering every night.
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